The REAL Battle of Chi Bi
by l0v3l1k3w1nt3r
Summary: Hehe, some random madness I thought up whEn I was bored... ONESHOT


A/N: I know that the Battle of Chi Bi has probably been parodied already, but this story's MY version. And yes, it will be as stupid as my other humorous stories…

The REAL Battle of Chi Bi

Sun Jian sighed as he watched the battle from his horse. He nodded to a troop of soldiers, and they ran off to join the battle. He then confronted Zhou Yu. "Are you sure this plan of yours will work?" he asked his strategist. "Yes… Lord Zhuge Liang and I worked hard on this plan." answered Zhou Yu. He hid the fact that the two of them didn't really _worked_ at the plan at all. In fact, ironically enough, they came up with it by mistake….

They were sitting in Zhou Yu's tent, trying to come up with a plan to surprise Cao Cao. "…. A chicken?" Zhou Yu thought out-loud. Zhuge Liang raised an eyebrow. "Think of it! We'll release some chickens, and Cao Cao's men will try to catch them for supper! And then while they do that, the whole army could come in from behind and attack everyone undefended!" cried Zhou Yu. Zhuge Liang's eyes drooped. "No." he replied. Zhou Yu groaned, then yawned. When he stretched out his arms, he didn't notice that he had bumped into a candlestick, and well, you do the math. Zhuge Liang backed away to the door. "FIRE!" he cried, and ran out of the tent. Zhou Yu snapped his fingers. "That's it! We'll use a fire attack!" he cried, not noticing that the fire had spread to his pants… Ouch.

"Wait a minute… the fire needs wind to spread to Cao Cao's base. How are we going to do that?" asked Sun Jian. "Zhuge Liang is taking care of that, my Lord." answered Zhou Yu. He looked around nervously, and tried to imagine what Zhuge Liang was going to do…

Meanwhile, Zhuge Liang was dancing around a fire like an Indian, chanting "Come, windy- windy, come windy-windy!" Zhao Yun shook his head. "This is the guide to our future?" he thought to himself. Some of his soldiers held back laughter.

"Hey… what if Cao Cao tries to escape?" asked Sun Jian. "Don't worry, my Lord, there is a general of Liu Bei's that is pretending to be one of Cao Cao's. He will worry about the ships." Zhou Yu explained.

Meanwhile, Pang Tong and his men were sneaking around Cao Cao's ships. Pang Tong started to resemble a Navy Seal commander. "Listen you MAGGOTS!" he barked. His men stood in a line as he spoke. "We are infiltrating the enemy base, and chaining their ships together! I want NO mistakes or I'll kick your ass to North America! AM I UNDERSTOOD!" Pang Tong continued. "SIR YES SIR!" cried his men. "Ok, now shut up before we're caught." said Pang Tong. As they sneaked around and tied the ships together, Pang Tong hummed the James Bond theme. "Doo duh duh dumm……" he sang. Suddenly, Xu Shu appeared. "DOO DUMMM!" cried Pang Tong. He and his men began fighting.

A few moments later, Sun Jian heard word that Huang Gai and the fire attack ship had arrived at their destination. Huang Gai laughed triumphantly. "Prepare to meet your doom!" he cried to the Wei soldiers in front of him. The enemy recoiled, until Huang Gai pulled out a matchstick lit with fire. "That's…. our doom? A tiny matchstick?" cried one Wei soldier. He and his comrades laughed their heads off. Huang Gai snapped his fingers, and his men ehind them also pulled out matchsticks with fire. This only made the enemy laugh hard. "What are you going to do, burn our asses to death!" cried one Wei soldier. The Wu soldiers grinned, and dropped the matchsticks on the ground. The fire spread, with the help of Zhuge Liang's wind 'summoning'.

Back at Zhuge Liang's ritual, everyone was getting annoyed. Zhao Yun had already left to join the battle (which he was thankful for), but Zhuge Liang's men, of course, had to stay. "Dammit, doesn't he realize that the south-east wind is already here?" whispered one Shu soldier to another. As Zhuge Liang chanted and danced, he kept his secret to himself. "Someday, Diao Chan, I WILL beat you!" he thought to himself.

Finding himself stuck, Cao Cao threw a tantrum. "Dammit! I wanted to win!" he whined. He fought off the Allied Forces, and ran. "Victory!" cried Sun Jian. The Allied Forces rejoiced, yet still had to chase Cao Cao down.

Cao Cao kicked the sides of his horse. "Dammit! This bloody horse won't move!" he cried. Cao Pi smacked his head. "Father… that's a rock." he whispered to him. Cao Cao looked at his 'steed.' "Ohh….. Whoever mentions this at the castle tonight will be _castrated_!" Cao Cao cried to his men, embarrassed. His men nodded. Cao Cao quickly mounted on his REAL horse, and led his forces back home.

A/N: OMG, that wasn't as good as I had expected…. Oh well. It's really your decision if it's good or not. :)


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